Benevolent Despotic Evil Mad Scientific Rule and You

Your place in the master plan

Greetings and welcome to your new life under the rule of our beloved, beautiful and mad scientist, Professor Doctor Mildred Slugwak Dresselhaus.

You may be asking yourself, “But what will life be like under the rule of the great and wonderful Professor Doctor? Will I be fed to giant mutated sharks for the amusement of my new overlord?”

No! Not at all1. The wise and kind Professor Doctor loves all of her subjects and wishes only the best for them. That is why she was set upon her path of global, mad science domination, to make the world a better, even perfect, place for all of humanity to share and enjoy.

What are the benefits of life under the sovereignty of the Professor Doctor?

It would not be possible to list all the benefits of benevolent despotic rule in this brochure, but you can look forward to the following;

  • Rigorous scientific training for all citizens
  • Thorough indoctrination into the master plan and the Professor Doctor’s vision for creating the perfect society
  • Free chiropractic care (the Professor Doctor feels strongly about spinal health)
  • Improved quality of life through scientific innovation - The professor doctor has already pioneered inventions in a number of disciplines that will vastly improve your daily lives
  • Mega-fungus sustainable farming
  • Pollution free mucus powered transport
  • Instantaneous brainwave communication2
  • Individually customized robotically enforced exercise routines

As you can see, life under the Professor Doctor’s rule will be a vast improvement over your current substandard existence.

Will I be free to continue my cultural and spiritual practices?

Of course! The Professor Doctor believes firmly in individual freedom of expression and spiritual beliefs. A society with diverse beliefs and practices is a vibrant and creative society. Subjects are merely asked to pledge their undying loyalty to the professor and to follower her 357-point plan for social harmony3.

What can I do to support the glorious reign of our beloved despot?

We’re so happy you asked that!

Please express your support for the Professor Doctor by acclaiming her to those Right Royal Rulers of Eugene, Their Majesties the Slug Queens. You can do so by written communication or in person at the annual Slug Queen Competition.

August 10th, 2012
6:30pm
Queens Court (8th & Oak)

Arrive early, bring some friends, and cheer for the Professor Doctor as if your very existence depended on it.4

  1. Not unless you MAKE our illustrious leader do so by contravening her infallible plan. Don't do that. She finds it quite distressing to have to punish her subjects.
  2. Citizens partaking of brainwave communication may experience a diminishment of personal willpower and be filled with an overriding desire to please the mighty mistress our beloved Professor Doctor.
  3. For the sake of universal harmony for all, the Professor Doctor does place a few restrictions on her subjects. She asks that all citizens obey traffic laws, be kind to one another, and at no time is anyone to engage in the production, sale or usage of the contraband substance known as glitter. It is a vile creation that gets into everything and ruins the Professor Doctors upholstery.
  4. The Professor Doctor will reluctantly, but firmly crush her enemies under her slimy boot heel. If you do not cheer the Professor Doctor, she may interpret that as opposition.